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I've only done what I thought you wanted me to do, kolibri... I heard your words from her mouth... So I took her home... When we woke, we kissed... and... well, what did you expect to happen?... I want you. I love you. What I need, I can get from a 1000 women any day of the week... I FUCKING HATE this lifestyle, but you have left me nothing else... So I will end up fucking many women just so I have something warm to hold onto at night... All I want is you, at home, in my arms... So I can kiss away your nightmares... So I can breathe, again... So we can truly live... Ya tebe lyublu, kolibri... ya znayu ty lyublit mne... poshli doma, moya zhena... vsegda... A.

I can't believe you went to all the trouble of helping me be off before midnight... You being off work... getting dressed and coming down to the restaurant... and you chicken out and leave 10 minutes before midnight... sigh... all my love, kolibri... xoxoxoxo

Well... I guess this might be a goodbye... You see, I made this as a way to bridge this awful communication gap you've created... I come to your job, but you disappear... I'll try something new... if I still have my apartment after today...

I'm not going to write much here anymore... It seems to have been compromised... I leave notes here and people fuck with me... So either you are fucking with me, or other people have this address... Come read your notebook...

Vsegda, A.

I'm just updating a little... I always have so much to say... and so little time to do it... sigh... I felt you last night... I came outside... you didn't come to me... By the boats is as far as I'm willing to compromise... when I feel you want me there... I go... I'm not walking to the corner by the Seashell... Everytime I've come toward you, you run away... I WANT you to come home... just for a night... With all of the people that keep interfering with our meeting, I thought you would see by now... They jump in line at the store... They watch when I get off work and then maneuver you elsewhere... They give me bullshit to try and make me lose faith... with the Karaoke and random comments about you and I at bars...

This is not paranoia... this is fact...

And all they do is prolong your and my pain...

I want you in my arms... I want to see you dance... I promise you I will not cause trouble... If I just get to see you smile and touch me, the world makes sense, kolibri... Like it never has before...

come home... hold me... don't just look at me from down the street... don't just sit across from my job and stare... You want to be near me as badly as I want to be near you... it's why you keep touching everyone in my life... it's why I kissed Ilyona's fingers, tonight... because her fingers have touched what I long to kiss...

I hope to see you soon, kolibri... for my sake and your own... for both of us... for happiness... for a future... for a life instead of an existence...

all my love and hope to you...

Do you realize? Do you see yet? They haven't been just fucking with me... The reason you keep meeting people that seem to know you so well... the reason the perfect ones keep popping up... and later, you find out they aren't so perfect after all... Is because they're fucking with you too... It's why your life seems to go so smoothly here... They gather information about you from me and then pass it on to guys that they think you will like... and then send them to you... All of this came clear to me when I saw the little ambulance boy sitting at the whistle chatting with Cindy...

Why haven't you been coming out to meet me again?

It's the only reason I've been going out, lately... the faint hope of seeing you again... of, gods forbid, touching you... hearing you laugh... seeing you smile...

help me, kolibri... I'm drowning...

Meet me again somewhere... even as someone else... and I'll play for you again at Island Dogs... I've been practicing a few songs for you... You'll recognize them...

All my love... xoxoxoxo...

NEW ORDER ~ Blue Monday

How does it feel to treat me like you do?
When you've your hands upon me
And told me who you are
I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me, how do I feel
Tell me now, How do I feel

Those who came before me
Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They'll turn away no more
And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today

I see a ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortune
I'd be a heavenly person today
And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard you speak
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now, how should I feel

Now I stand here waiting...
I thought I told you to leave me
While I walked down to the beach
Tell me how does it feel
When your heart grows cold

Tool - Schism

I know the pieces fit
cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering,
fundamental differing,
Pure intention juxtaposed
will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
testing our communication

The light that fueled our fire then
has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end
crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit
cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
it doesnt mean I dont desire to
Point the finger, blame the other,
watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together,
rediscover communication.

The poetry that comes from
the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.
There was a time that the pieces fit,
but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering,
strangled by our coveting
Ive done the the math enough to know
the dangers of a second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow,
and strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion

Between supposed lovers
Between supposed lovers

And I know the pieces fit.

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